


Castiel is Clueless

by Rene_Dullahan



Series: When I LARP with my Girlfriend [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: A lot - Freeform, Bobby laughs, Castiel is wondering about sexual intercourse, Chat rooms, Collaboration, Confused Castiel, Crack, Crowley (Supernatural) Is So Done, Dean is So Done, Faint destiel, Fun with my girlfriend, LARPing, M/M, my girlfriend won't help me tag stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 13:37:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8982106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rene_Dullahan/pseuds/Rene_Dullahan
Summary: Castiel is bored, Sam is busy with Gabriel, and Dean is on a solo hunt. But Castiel can't help but wonder... why Sam is moaning? Perhaps Dean knows the answer?Part of the 'When I LARP with my Girlfriend' series, but can be read as a stand alone.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Edvin: Hello. I’m Edvin. My nickname is Dev for undisclosed reasons. I am writing this as I feel obligated to write an Author’s Note.  
> Rene: ...Dev.  
> Dev: Yes?  
> Rene: We don’t own Supernatural. Got it!?  
> Dev: *pouts* Unfortunately.  
> Rene: Then why, do you refuse to put in the disclaimers? *Unimpressed face and foot tapping*  
> Dev: “Fred sighed wistfully. ‘You may not practice magic over the holidays,’ he read aloud from the letter. Beside him, George invoiced: ‘I keep hoping they’ll forget these, every year’.” -Philosopher's Stone (pg. 276). My morals are based off of Fred and George Weasley.  
> Rene: Dev, I love you, but wrong fandom.  
> Dev: *Pouts some more*  
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
> Castiel: Edvin  
> Sam: Edvin  
> Bobby: Edvin  
> Gabriel: Edvin  
> Dean: Rene  
> Crowley: Rene

** Castiel: **

            And I’m bored.

 

** Dean:  **

            Cool. And Cas, you really need to work on your response time.

 

** Castiel:  **

            My hands are not nearly as well-adjusted to phone keyboards as yours, Dean.

 

** Dean: **

            You’ve been using them for like 4 years.

 

** Castiel: **

            I have never found it logical to memorize the key-location on a keyboard, when I could just… teleport, I believe you call it.

 

** Dean: **

            Yeah…

 

** Castiel: **

            Dean, that’s not a suitably descriptive answer. I require more if I wish to know the context you answered to.

 

** Dean: **

            BUT, there’s a thing called PERSONAL SPACE!!!!!

 

** Castiel: **

            I have never understood “personal space” either.

 

** Dean:  **

            I give up.

 

** Castiel:  **

            What is the point of it? All that it ensues is the non-sharing of body heat. I do not wish you to get cold.

 

** Dean:  **

            I need a drink.

 

** Castiel: **

            Dean, Sam has said it is not smart to drink early in the day.

 

** Castiel: **

            Dean?

            Wasn’t I supposed to be the slow responder?

 

** Dean: **

            Yeah, well, Sammy isn’t the one drinking, is he?

 

** Dean: **

            And I’m slow ‘cause I’m focusing on two things at once.

 

** Castiel: **

            "Sammy" has loudly requested over my shoulder that you should refer to him as "Sam"

 

** Dean: **

            Why is Sammy with you?

 

** Castiel: **

            No. He’s with Gabriel, three feet behind me.

 

** Dean: **

            …

 

** Dean: **

            Fuck that, I’m getting a drink.

 

** Castiel: **

            Looking behind me, I have thought of another question to ask. Why does Sam moan when Gabriel sticks his tongue in Sam's mouth?

 

** Dean: **

            …

 

** Dean:  **

            I’m not having The Conversation with you.

 

** Castiel: **

            What ‘conversation’? Dean, this sounds important to my assimilation with mankind.

 

** Castiel: **

            Why is Sam moaning?

 

** Dean: **

            Nope.

 

** Castiel: **

            Why. Does. He. Moan.

 

** Dean: **

            Nope.

 

** Castiel: **

            Why?

 

** Dean: **

            Nopenopenopenopenope-

 

** Castiel: **

            Dean!

 

** Dean: **

            So much nope!

 

** Castiel: **

            There cannot be “so much nope". Nope is a reply, therefore an idea, whereas "So much" is a supposed to be applied as a physical measurement.

 

**Dean :**

            Beer! Beer is needed!

 

**Castiel :**

            Why is Sam still moaning? And why is Gabriel maneuvering them to the bedroom?

 

**Dean :**

            Nada.

 

**Dean :**

            Negative.

 

**Castiel :**

            Fine. I’ll ask them.

 

**Castiel :**

            Dean... I thought that sexual intercourse between two males was impossible. My eyes are observing differently.

 

**Dean :**

            Goddammit Cas, get out of there!

 

**Castiel :**

            Sam just threw a pillow at me.

 

**Dean :**

            PERSONAL SPACE!!!!!!

  
**Castiel :**

            Maybe I should leave.

 

**Dean :**

            YA THINK!!

 

** Castiel: **

            Sam is yelling something about me "ruining the mood". What is he talking about?

 

**Dean :**

            That’s it! I’m done.

 

**Dean :**

            Mark of Cain, take me now!

 

**Castiel :**

            DEAN! I MUST KNOW THIS!

 

**Castiel :**

            And I do not believe that The Lord is so inclined to end your life at the moment.

            You have much to explain.

 

**Dean :**

            No.

 

**Castiel :**

            Tell me, Dean.

 

**Dean :**

            AFK

 

** Castiel: **

            Nevermind. Bobby has arrived. He's yelling something about a skinchanger.

 

**Castiel :**

            I should go ask him.

 

** Castiel: **

            Dean.... why is Bobby laughing uncontrollably?

 

**Castiel :**

            Is he going to die?

 

**Castiel:**

            Dean?

 

**Castiel:**

            I'm getting genuinely worried.

 

**Castiel:**

            He's still laughing.

 

**Castiel:**

            Dean?

 

**Castiel:**

            Dean, I fear he may pass out from lack of oxygen.

 

**Dean:**

            The Winchester you are trying to contact is currently drinking himself to death. Please call at a later time.

 

 **Castiel** :

            Tell him to cease his actions. I do not wish another trip to Hell. It would be very counterproductive to our plans.

 

**Castiel:**

            Dean, Bobby has stopped laughing.

 

**Castiel:**

            He's turned a bright red and has got back into the car.

 

**Castiel:**

            He's driving away now.

 

**Dean:**

            This phone number is offline.

 

**Castiel:**

          He yelled something about a sexual education book and something about "hands-on with Dean"?

 

**Castiel:**

          He’s laughing again.

 

**Castiel:**

          I think he finds himself funny.

 

**Dean:**

          Please call at a later time.

 

**Castiel:**

          I’m not calling to begin with, I’m “chatting”.

 

**Dean:**

          This phone is offline.

 

**Castiel:**

          Dean, if you don't answer, I will teleport you directly into the bedroom Gabriel and Sam are currently occupying, as you seem to find their actions second-handedly embarrassing.

 

**Dean:**

            The number you are attempting to contact is not availa-Cas demons

 

**Castiel:**

          Demons?

 

**Castiel:**

            ... Dean?

 

 **Castiel:**        

            Dean.... being kidnapped by demons will not get you out of this!!!!!!

 

**Castiel:**

            I am slightly annoyed.

 

**Dean:**

          Sorry, birdbrain, Dean and I are having one HELL of a time together. ~The King of Crossroads

 

**Castiel:**

          Hold on.

  
**Dean:**

          What?

 

**Castiel:**

          I need to change your contact name.

 

**Dean:**

          What?!

 

**Castiel:**

          Okay. I’m done.

 

**Castiel:**

            I wouldn't want to intrude. Will you please give him his phone back? I wish to ask him about why Sam is currently asking Gabriel to "come" towards him.

 

**Castiel:**

            Yelling, actually.

 

 **Crowley** **:**

            …

 

 **Crowley** **:**

          …

 

 **Crowley** **:**

          Well, that was unexpected.

 

**Castiel:**

          It’s quiet, now.

 

 **Crowley** **:**

          You might find it amusing to know that Squirrel is currently having a chat with dear Michael.

 

**Castiel:**

          I thought they didn’t get along?

 

**Castiel:**

          And I feel obligated to tell you that Dean dislikes being referred to as "Squirrel".

 

 **Crowley** **:**

          I’m not sure he cares at the moment, considering Michael is inside dear old Dean.

 

**Castiel:**

          Are they having intercourse? I cannot think of another context for your words.

 

 **Crowley** **:**

          NO.

 

 **Crowley** **:**

          I’m done.

 

**Castiel:**

          Dean said that earlier. And if that was not the context your words were meant in, then what do you mean?

 

 ** Crowley ** ** : **

          Dean. Is. Being. Possessed. By. Michael. Capiche?

 

** Castiel: **

          One moment.

 

 **Castiel** :

          Sam is yelling at me for something about not "letting us know that Dean is being possessed again". I think he wants us to meet you for brunch.

 

 **Castiel** :

          Hold on, I need to ask Dean if he has lunch plans, now.

 

 **Castiel** :

          … I made a mistake.

 

 **Castiel** :

          In teleporting Dean here, I accidentally exorcised Michael.

 

 **Castiel** :

          Sorry, Michael.

 

 **Crowley** :

          HOld on, dealing w/ luci right now. Cant talk.

 

 **Castiel** :

          Wait! I thought we were planning brunch! Dean said “Yeah, sure”, but he sounded a little sarcastic.

 

 **Castiel** :

          I should ask Sam what he meant.

 

 **Castiel** :

          Nevermind. He is preoccupied with sticking his tongue in Gabriel’s mouth again.

  
**Castiel** :

          Why do humans do that?

**_The End_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Comment if you want us to make more. you can find me at https://pandora-helion.tumblr.com/ I have just started posting about my stories, and even then I won't be a thing I do often. so be warned.


End file.
